Sometimes the most meaningful moment as a parent comes in the middle of another conversation, has little to nothing to do with the topic at hand and is uncharacteristically transparent. Looking back on the moment you wish there had been a bright shining light calling your attention it so you could take it in more slowly and savor every second. But time marches at the same pace and without reflection, the significance of those moments is often lost and the power to heal old wounds is never realized.
I had such a moment with my fourteen year old son which by itself is shocking. As the filter in his ADHD brain telling him not to comment on certain things is underdeveloped even for his age while his critical thinking skills far exceed his age. This combination makes for very interesting and frequently frustrating conversations and since he loves to talk there is no shortage of either. This week he shocked me with, “I’m glad that you are a working mom” and since he often complains how difficult his life is, I asked for further clarification to which he responded with the following points.
“You don’t schedule your life around me.” Talk about a shocking statement coming from a fourteen year old boy who frequently complains of having no ride to the activity of the week and believes the world revolves around him! He further explained that in speaking with some of his friends whose mother chooses to rearrange her schedule to meet their wants and desires, he now sees his friends have a skewed view that life is all about them (yes, he did say that, I’m not making it up). If fact, he came home so astonished that his friends got whatever they wanted with no regard for how their friend’s wants and desires impacted the rest of the family. By setting the standard that life is not about his wants and desires (no matter how hard he fights against this), he has learned to be less selfish.
“You work hard.” It is both frightening and encouraging to understand that children learn more from what is done rather than what is said. My son recounted a conversation he overheard from two mothers who were commenting on how difficult it must be to work and go to school at the same time. My son, having experienced this first hand with his mother (me), he was shocked to discover that not every mother did this. He then explained that by demonstrating what can be accomplished he had the motivation to work hard as well (yes, we are still struggling with his lack of motivation but there are these glimmers of hope). By setting an example of hard work (it is important to note it is the example that is significant, not the words), he has learned self motivation.
“You and Dad don’t waste time.” By far this was the most confusing statement from my son especially since he seems to have little regard for his own time management. He then admitted to spending quite a bit of time listening in on adult conversations and from what he learned, he then made this observation. When time is a rare commodity, there is less gossip (his words) and more engaging discussions. Apparently, the conversations he overhears between his parents are deeper and more meaningful because there is less time to talk compared to the conversations of adults he overheard who had more time and therefore gossiped more. By placing value on quality time and conversation, he has learned not to gossip.
Probably the hardest part of knowing that my son has learned these valuable lessons is understanding that he will frequently forget these lessons and become selfish, unmotivated and a gossip on occasion. However by continuing to set standards, living by example and placing value on the important things of life, the lessons can be continually reinforced and hopefully will make a positive difference in his life. As an added bonus, these lessons in turn encouraged me to keep going and greatly reduced the guilt often felt as a working mom.
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