Tag Archives: relationship

How to Handle Ranting and Raving

couple-arguingThe other day a friend told me about her husband’s ranting and raving over what seemed like nothing. His work was demanding more and more, he did not like his boss or the people he worked with, the house needed some repairs, his health was deteriorating, he got a stomach ache from his last meal, the dog wanted too much attention, and several other large and small complaints.  His ranting and raving lasted well over several hours and resolved absolutely nothing.  At the end, she was exhausted, frustrated, hurt and desperately wanted to help him but had no idea where to begin.

Sound familiar?  Maybe it is a close friend, a co-worker, a child, a parent or a spouse who routinely rants and raves over what seems like nothing but usually is something.  Their ranting and raving does not seem to resolve anything in the moment and by the time it ends they feel better and you feel worse.  It is as if they unloaded their garbage onto you but you did not get a chance to unload and if you do try to unload during their ranting and raving, you have just added about an extra hour onto the discussion.  The rants and raves are not once a year incidents, rather they are almost monthly and if they don’t do a little ranting and raving, the next one is likely to be twice as long.

For some people they type of relationship is likely to cause them to run away, they would rather not invest the time and energy into such a relationship.  But for others, the benefits of the relationship far out way the monthly rants and raves, so they decide that the relationship adds more value to their life than it subtracts and they stay.  This is the case for my client; she truly loves her husband, is committed to the relationship and wants to help but is unsure how.

It’s not your responsibility.  Their rants and raves are their responsibility not yours.  This is extremely difficult to remember in the moment as the ranter and raver is likely to blame you for some if not all of the problem.   Once you look back over the course of your relationship, you will realize that even if you did change something that was not enough to stop their ranting and raving.  It almost seems as if they have an insatiable appetite for ranting and raving and if it is not this than it is that.  Their reaction is their responsibility; your reaction is your responsibility.

Change your expectations.  During the ranting and raving you try to help the situation by offering advice, compassion or accepting responsibility for your mistakes, yet none of their efforts seem to reduce the ranting and raving.  In fact, they seem to bring about even more and different ranting and raving.  If you want to offer encouragement, do.  Just don’t expect a return on your investment.  Decreasing your expectations is not giving up rather it is recognizing that you are not in charge of their ranting and raving, they are.

Look for the nugget of truth.  Ranters and ravers are not mindless people without intelligent thought rather they are people who have been pushed to their limit and they usually do have a valid point.  The key is to find the nugget of truth in their ranting and raving and focus on that.  For instance, they may be upset about your financial situation and declare that overspending on everything needs to stop.  Well, if you are overspending on something, maybe it is the groceries, then work on modifying that behavior.  Don’t try to change everything all at once because it just does not work.  Instead focus on changing one behavior at a time.  Find one nugget and work on changing it.  Leave the other nuggets for another day.

Try praying.  Ok, this is tricky because the type of prayer is extremely important.  More than likely, after the ranting and raving is over, you are in pain and feel a heavy burden.  So don’t pray that the person ranting and raving will hurt like you or that God will take revenge on them.  Rather pray to release the negative energy onto God so that you won’t release the negative energy on someone else.  Ranting and raving is like an infectious disease that can affect an entire community.  Decide to end the cycle, pray, release, let go and if needed forgive the other person for hurting you.  This will do far more good and will prevent the disease from spreading.

Get busy.  When someone rants and raves the temptation is to replay the ranting and raving over and over in your head.  We try to see where we went wrong, what we could have said instead to make a difference or how we could have stopped the cycle.  This is a waste of valuable energy, instead, get busy doing what you need to do and put all thoughts of the incident out of your head.  At first this discipline is difficult but with practice it becomes easier.  You are what you think and if you continue to replay the negative thoughts, you will be negative in turn.  You can choose to do something different and getting busy is more productive then stewing.

Ranter and ravers are not without their responsibility in the problem but you cannot fix them, they need to choose to fix themselves.  Rather you can choose to do different behaviors, to think different thoughts, to absorb different emotions, after all you actually have more choice in the situation then the other person.  Your positive reactions over time will make a difference in your life and hopefully the other person will want the same change in their life.  Then and only then do you have the potential for a lasting solution.

 

There is hope for your exhaustion.  Repairing, restoring, and rebuilding relationships takes time, energy and effort.  If you find yourself needing more help during this process, please call our offices at 407-647-7005 to schedule an appointment.  Or you can send me a quick email at chammond@lifeworksgroup.org.

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Either Your Spouse Is Paranoid or Everyone Is Out To Get Them

paranoid-personality-disorderDo you feel like you are losing your mind?  Are you exhausted from everyday living as you desperately try to figure out every possible negative outcome to keep your spouse from coming unglued?  Are you beginning to believe that you are the problem and everyone else has it all together?

If you are married to someone who is chronically paranoid, your life is in a perpetual state of stress as you jump through whatever new hoop that is presented to keep your spouse calm.  This, of course, is at great expense to your own mental health as you spend less and less time thinking about what you want and more and more time thinking about what your spouse wants.  You find that you can’t do anything without running it through the “what will my spouse think” filter.

But this is precisely where your spouse wants you to be, completely and totally dependent on their opinion, unable to make the simplest of decisions.  (As a side note, this is not about submission.  Submission requires you to know and voice your opinion first before agreeing to go a different direction if necessary.)  Rather, this is about control.

While it may seem as though your spouse is trying to control every aspect of your life because they are power freaks that is not the case here.  Instead, your spouse is controlling because they are fearful of the dangerous outcomes that obsessively swirl around in their head every second.

Here are some common signs that your spouse maybe paranoid:

  • Constantly thinking that others are trying to harm them, you or your family
  • Fearful of being deceived
  • Believes that others are being disloyal to them
  • Struggles with trusting family, friends, and co-workers
  • Cuts off family, friends, and co-workers if trust is betrayed only once
  • Reluctant to confide in anyone
  • Suspects others will use information against them
  • Sees hidden meanings where others don’t
  • Holds grudges for long periods of time, way past the time of the offense
  • Unforgiving of insults or slights
  • Perceives attacks on character or reputation that is not apparent to others
  • Quick to react angrily or counterattack
  • Suspects without justification that you are being unfaithful
  • Hides money from you and believes others are out to get their money
  • Insists that you pull away from close friendships or family members
  • Reluctant to discuss their profession in any detail
  • Uses security cameras in inappropriate places such as facing inside the house instead of outside
  • Tracks all phone and internet communication repeatedly questioning meaningless conversations

If you find yourself in a marriage to a paranoid person take heart, you are not alone.  Usually it takes a considerable amount of time for your spouse to reveal their full paranoia as most of the actions mentioned about happen slowly over a long time frame.  Of course, your spouse can give you numerous reasons justifying their behavior, perhaps you have even done something to contribute to their paranoia.  However, understanding where you are is just the first small step in the process.  The next step is to decide if this is something you can live with or if it is a deal breaker.  Only you can make that decision.

Remember, this is not a decision about trying to change your spouse; you cannot change them.  Even with therapy they will have to decide to change on their own and that could take years.  But you can change yourself and how you view your spouse.  This kind of paranoia is so deeply rooted in insecurity and fear; it is hard not to have compassion for person who lives with this intense anxiety 24/7.  Get some help, find a support system, and read over this list until you can spot the unhealthy behavior and not let it cause you additional unnecessary anxiety.

 

There is hope for your exhaustion.  Repairing, restoring, and rebuilding relationships takes time, energy and effort.  If you find yourself needing more help during this process, please call our offices at 407-647-7005 to schedule an appointment.  Or you can send me a quick email at chammond@lifeworksgroup.org.

Communication and Conflict in your Marriage

A helpful newsletter for Communication and conflict in your marriage.

There is hope for your exhaustion.  Repairing, restoring, and rebuilding relationships takes time, energy and effort.  If you find yourself needing more help during this process, please call our offices at 407-647-7005 to schedule an appointment.  Or you can send me a quick email at chammond@lifeworksgroup.org.  

How to Disrespect your Husband and Cause Problems in your Marriage

black-woman-giving-man-the-handNo, I am not a man-hater and this article is not meant to be taken seriously.  Rather it is written tongue-in-cheek to demonstrate the obvious and not so obvious ways a you can show disrespect to your husband.  Sometimes the best way of understanding something is to begin with what it isn’t.  While this can be a roundabout way of addressing a subject, it can also establish some necessary boundaries from which to form a better understanding.

With that in mind, here are a few suggestions for demonstrating disrespect the next time you are alone or out with your husband.  You can do this over dinner, in front of his friends, better yet your friends, and best yet in front of family.  Make sure you temper your comments with sarcasm, mockery or cynicism to add an extra dose of disrespect.

  • His work – Try making a joke about what he does for a living, where he works, or how much he earns.  This can be even more disrespecting if you add a comment or two about how great your career is going or how much more successful your dad was in his line of work.  After all, most men get some satisfaction from what they do as a profession even if they don’t enjoy it because they are providing for their family.  So attacking their work is one of the easiest targets for disrespect.
  • His dreams – Take one of his future aspirations or a desire to become something and then tell him how stupid it is and how he can never accomplish it.  Better yet, don’t even discuss it with him, just roll your eyes and talk behind his back especially to someone who is likely to tell him about your remarks.  It most likely took a lot of trust to tell you about his dreams in the first place so ridiculing even one dream drives the disrespect right to the heart.
  • His sexuality – It really does not matter how frequently he wants sex because if he wants it too much: harass him, too little: tell him he is inadequate.  While you are at it, joke about what he likes sexually and over-expose him to others around you.  No matter what he says about sex, most men fear that they are not performing well enough sexually for their spouse so attacking this area is very personal.
  • His worship – One of the easiest places to show disrespect to your husband is in how he worships in church.  Make sure you poke him when the pastor is preaching, compare him to other men in church or demonstrate how much more you know about spirituality than him.  If he goes to church, he has been told that he is the spiritual leader of the family so under minding him and taking over the leadership role becomes disrespectful.
  • His leisure activities – Whatever he likes to do for fun can be a target for ridicule, especially if it involves a sport of sorts and requires that money be spent for him to have fun.  If there are other men involved then this is an even better opportunity to not only make fun of him but his other teammates, especially if you can tag team with another spouse.  As any self-respecting spouse knows, the money he earns and extra time he has should go to the family and not towards doing something he enjoys.
  • His appearance – Insecurities regarding receding hairline, pot-bellies, changing body, and outdated clothing should be exposed and highlighted just to make sure that he fully aware of his inadequacies.  Some men age quite well, so make sure that you compare your husband to other men who are aging better than him.  While he has been repeatedly told that you don’t like him to comment on your flaws, his are open game.
  • His moods – Since most men are raised to be strong and take things on the cheek, any sign of weakness, moodiness, depression, or anxiety should be the talk around the dinner table especially with a few of your not so close friends.  By highlighting any mood swings you can literally cut him off at the knees and cripple him for the rest of the evening.  It is a moment of disrespect that will be noticed by everyone in the room.
  • His morality – Another opportunity for disrespect is to exaggerate the number of times your husband has made immortal or embarrassing decisions.  Of particular interest are any past times of infidelity, hospitalization, use of pornography, drunkenness, or drug use just to name a few suggestions.  However, if there are few of these events in his past, making up a couple to add some interest to a conversation by putting him down can be very disrespectful.
  • His decisions – Most wives have this area down to a science as nearly every decision their husbands make can be questioned.  Eve taught us this well as just before she ate fruit from the tree she mistrusted her husband by not agreeing that God had told Adam not to eat the fruit.  Wives can do this in many little ways such as questioning his driving, asking and re-asking the same question, questioning the tie he picks or what he decides to eat.  All of this can be disrespectful.
  • His authority – If you are blessed to work with your spouse at work, on a project or part of a charity, then you have an excellent opportunity to attack his authority.  Just make sure that you do it in front of others adding some sort of intimate touch or glance to maximize the insult.  Minimizing his authority thereby increases yours and creates a natural disrespect with your viewing audience.  This is especially powerful if your husband is in an influential position.
  • His reputation – Gossiping about your spouse especially in a negative manner is highly effective form of disrespect.  Everyone loves gossip and it can spread like wild-fire to all kinds of people destroying a reputation that has taken years to develop in a matter of minutes.  The best people to receive your gossip are the ones who already gossiping about others, after all they are the pros at disrespect.
  • His children – When all is said and done, even if you fail to disrespect your husband in any of the above ways, the easiest and perhaps most sneaky way to be disrespectful is to talk bad about your husband in front of his children.  They could be your children or his by another woman, no matter which one, the impact can be destructive beyond comparison.  By disrespecting your husband, you are modeling behavior for his daughters to imitate and his sons to repeat.  If you can paint your husband in a bad light to his children, then you have truly passed on an inheritance that can last beyond your generation.  It is the gift of disrespect that can keep giving.

By the way, if you find that you have mastered just a few of these areas, just know that you are not alone.  Over half of all marriages end in divorce and yours is likely to be headed in that direction.  Many divorced women have long mastered this list with their ex-husbands and some are working on marriage number two or three or even four.  If this scares you, good.  Now go over the list again, admit what you have done wrong, ask for forgiveness, and decide to be the model of respect instead of disrespect.

 

There is hope for your exhaustion.  Repairing, restoring, and rebuilding relationships takes time, energy and effort.  If you find yourself needing more help during this process, please call our offices at 407-647-7005 to schedule an appointment.  Or you can send me a quick email at chammond@lifeworksgroup.org.

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